How to Talk to Yourself When You’re Not Good at Something Yet
Whenever we start something new, learning a new skill or technology, writing a book, beginning a new job, it may feel like the progress we make is too slow. Especially in our “instant culture,” we might be tempted to think we should be further along than we are. Like we should have already been there, done that, and have learned it ages ago. We may feel like we will never get there. (Certainly not like the staggeringly good-looking charismatic people on Instagram looking happier and more successful than the rest of us poor slogs.)
While the judgey words we say to ourselves in private should never be repeated in public, but if amplified, these words might sound something like,
“I’ll never figure this out; I don’t know what I’m doing.”
It’s too hard.” “I’m too dumb for this.” “I should just give up.”
Because it’s hard to start new things, and if they are too challenging, we may quit.
The whole point is to keep coming back because that’s how we master things, how we complete the projects that matter to our long-term fulfillment.
It seems like every time I implement a new idea for a new project, I have catapulted myself into yet another technology rabbit hole. Some techno cluster@#&$#%^ that I need to master before I can make headway on my project. I’m tempted just to quit and forget the whole enterprise. When I can talk to myself with kindness, noticing my courage when struggling, and especially sweetening the pot with rewards, I tend to keep coming back.
So, when you are in the heat of the frustrating learning curves, the technique I call “Gentling” goes like this:
For every fall, for every falter, for every frustrating moment - Talk to yourself like you’re a really good TV parent talking to a discouraged five-year-old.
How would you give guidance and encouragement to a child who is trying valiantly but still struggling?
Chances are you’d say something like:
“You are such a winner for showing up and learning. It’s hard to try new things, but you are!”
Or
“Look at the way you just keep showing up for this. Good for you.”
Or, you’d remind them of a time when they’d conquered another skill but struggled at first.
“Remember that time when you figured out how to paint mountains? You had no idea at first, but you ended up mastering them. You’ve learned hard things before.”
When they don’t know what to do, you might remind them that they might not need to know everything now.
“Why do you have to know everything right now? You’ll make that decision when you know a little more.”
Offer yourself the same respect and care you would show a child who is struggling. Don’t punish yourself or make judgments because you’re not good yet.
Struggling in itself is evidence that you are making progress.
And at the end of the day, when you’ve faced your fears, discomfort, and dread enough to sit your ass down and work on the project, remember to express gratitude to yourself. Treat yourself as a child who just finished his homework.
I’m sure that if someone could hear me gentle myself, they would think I was bat shit crazy.
“You did good today, Darlin! You deserve a treat.”
Or, when I’m working and frustrated,
“This is just a rough patch — keep going.”
“You’ve got this.”
“Good job, girl. Move on to another area and come back to it. You’ll figure it out.”
Or:
“You are tired and hungry. Let’s stop and come back to it tomorrow when you have new eyes.”
As naïve as this might sound, it works.
There is a part of all of us that needs this kind of self-encouragement.
Kindness keeps you coming back. I call it “Gentling” in my book, Creative Awakening: A Guide to the Zone for Seekers and Makers.
Gentling offering ourselves encouragement and support for showing up to do complex stuff. It will keep you returning until you master something or complete a meaningful project, which is the whole point of gentling.
We didn’t all have perfect TV parents, but we can re-parent ourselves as if we did. Become an ideal parent to yourself. Gentling is nothing but an act of pure self-care and self-love.
So, go ahead, encourage and reward yourself. Yes, even coddle yourself. Offer yourself some yummy treat at the end of a day.
You might even learn to enjoy doing challenging things with a supportive, loving voice in your head.
Not everybody is doing brave things in their life. You are, though.
You can also read this post on Medium.